this pregnancy is kicking my ass

I know... what language! But really, anything more PG (actually, I'm pretty sure "ass" is PG these days) would fail to express how awful these last three weeks have been.

So, a few things:

• Although nine weeks pregnant yesterday, it's only been the last three weeks and a bit that have been this miserable. In those last three weeks, I've lost almost eight pounds. And while I haven't seen the scale move that low since sometime in 2001, constant nausea and vomiting are not pleasant weight loss methods. Effective, but not pleasant.

• In those last three weeks, I've only left the house three times. All three times were for parties or other events that I knew my boys were excited about and I didn't want them to have to miss. It was only by sheer FORCE OF LOVE that I managed these feats. LOVE.

• Once in a while I'll have a stretch of two days where I'm only sick once, then the next day I'll throw up twice in as many hours. There is no rhyme or reason. No link to certain foods that I can see. It's random. Being the control freak that I am, I'd love to have a plan or theory or some sort of equation to follow, but I don't. 

• The waist band on my pants (even loose pj bottoms) is starting to get uncomfortable. Not tight (see the above mentioned weight loss), just conspicuous by their presence. I just don't want ANYTHING touching my stomach.

• Related: Any tips on how to keep three boys from trying to constantly climb on me, hug me, and sit on my lap (note, lap is near stomach)?? I love their love, but would prefer they write me a poem or send flowers or something.

• This intense morning sickness has even had me wonder about the possibility of twins... a possibility that I have yet to bring up with Peter (hi, hon!) for fear he might suffer an aneurysm. The only thing saving my sanity is that fact that, weight loss notwithstanding, I'm pretty sure I'd be showing already if I was 9w+ with twins. Right? RIGHT?? Cause I'm not. Not showing at all. So it can't be twins. Right.

• I've been dreaming of steak. Specifically of eating it.

I'm not sure that this post really has a point, other than to whine and complain and make excuses for why I haven't blogged much at all this last month. Maybe it will also serve as a BRUTAL REMINDER if I ever start to get that urge for another baby. Cause seriously? I'm not sure I could do this again. 

something's off here

As I mentioned yesterday, I don't feel like my outside matches how I feel on the inside. Case in point: clothes shopping.

I needed to buy something to wear to the wedding I photographed last weekend. I needed something that wouldn't bunch or pull or ride up, and something that I could squat, kneel, and bend in without worrying about exposing too much skin or other fleshy bits. It had to be comfortable in order to concentrate on my job and not worry about too low a cut shirt or pants that expose one of my least favorite cracks. Oh, and I had to be able to nurse in it too. Should've been easy, eh?

I did end up finding a cute-ish dress to wear (with leggings) that worked really well. The main problem I had while shopping wasn't so much related to style of clothing, but finding the right size. Not only has the sizing of clothes changed since I last shopped on a regular basis THREE PREGNANCIES AGO, but when I did last shop, I was a different size. In my head, while shopping, I'm still that size.

Not much can ruin that fun little shopping high as quickly as realizing that ALL NINE items you've taken to the change room with you are too small. You immediately forget how proud you were of the 6.5lbs you lost over the last few weeks when still can't fit into clothes you thought you'd be able to.

I don't even understand it myself.. I know that I'm heavier than I'd like to be and than I think is healthy for me, so WHAT PART OF MY BRAIN thinks I can still fit into a size 6?? Why don't I start at, say, size 12 and work my way down, feeling good about myself? Is it that I think, even with the weight I want to lose, that I look better than I actually do?

Am I like those parents who blindly can't see (or don't chose to admit) that their cherubs are actually rude, badly behaved little monsters? Someone who thinks they can sing when they can't? Thinks they're funny when they aren't? Anyone who's idea of themselves differs greatly from reality? Am I like that??

Am I afraid to admit that the problem is worse than I currently believe? Or do I chose sizes that are too small because I'm an optimist? And because I dare to hope that I'll be shocked pleasantly surprised and find that they actually fit?

Fitness Friday

It's late Friday night/Saturday morning and I just realized that I didn't write an update on my Shred. This will have to be quick cause I HAVE TO GET TO BED.

I started over with my Shred rotation yesterday, meaning that Thursday I did Level 1, and today it was Level 2.

Um? Ouch. I hurt. I haz pain. ALL. OVER. Here are a few reasons I think I'm so stiff and sore:

• I hadn't done the Shred in almost two weeks. I'd say that's a wee bit more than a "break". I had no intention of letting it go that long, but it happened. So all that work I'd done to not be so sore after shredding? It took a break too. I'm definitely back to square one. Or square -1...

• I had been exercising using 3lb weights, since I thought we'd lost one of the 5lb ones. Well my dear husband -bless him- found the other one. So now I'm doing all of the moves with almost twice the weight. Double the weight = double the effort = DOUBLE THE PAIN.

• I've been working harder. While I know that the first two points are definitely playing a role, I think this is the kicker. I'm so tired of not being comfortable in my own skin and not feeling like me. I'm tired of it. I want how I feel inside to match how I look on the outside, and right now it doesn't. Taking two weeks off is NOT the way to encourage change (neither is eating ice cream and cheese cake at night. Um... not that I did that. Not me.), so I definitely had some lost ground to make up.

I felt like I was going to throw up today after Level 2 and tomorrow will be Level 3. I intend to work just as hard and not give in when my sore, weakling muscles are screaming. I intend to push myself til I feel the sweat rolling down my face. I intend to challenge and to MAKE my body change.

I'm a little scared.

Related: I don't like the taste of sweat.

fitness friday - week 3

My fitness/Shred review for this last will NOT take long. I have done the Shred a grand total of ZERO times this week.

(sigh)

Shred FAIL? Yeah, I'd say so.

It would be convenient to blame Peter and his constant presence this week around the house, but that wouldn't really be fair. It's not like I couldn't have done it. If I'm completely honest, the real reason is that I'm embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed about doing the Shred - I'm quite proud to be working out and getting stronger. But that doesn't mean I'm ready for an audience. When I work out by myself or under the non-judgement (although quizzical) gaze of my always adoring *snicker* children, I can fully concentrate on what I'm doing. But if Peter -or anyone else- were to watch me? I know I'd be totally self-conscious and preoccupied with how much of me is unattractively jiggling and wiggling or hanging where it shouldn't be.

(Is anyone else more than slightly horrified by what their stomach looks like when they're in the plank position?? Ugh. My stomach doesn't look flat even when standing up, but when parallel to the floor and under the full force of gravity... well I won't go into detail, but it's not pretty.)

I know I need to get over myself, but I can't help being self-conscious about my body in it's present state. However, when my self-consciousness is keeping me from exercising and changing my body, well, it kind of defeats the point, eh?

Even though I haven't exercised at all this week, I've still managed to maintain my weigh loss which surprised me quite a bit. I think that not doing the Shred has made me a bit more conscious of what I've been eating, not wanting to completely undo the work of the last two weeks (as has the eczema on Andrews neck that I'm pretty sure is due to the dairy I've been eating).

* * * * * * * * * * *

Now it's your turn.

If you have an exercise move, tip or advice you'd like to share, or even if you are simply documenting your progress, link up! Any post written this week is fair game. If you're doing something daily like the Shred or another exercise or running program, feel free to add a link for each post with a brief description in parenthesis.

Please make sure to link directly to your post, not your homepage, and please include a link back to Muddy Boots in your post so that others can, yes, read my blog, but also find the links that others are leaving to their blogs. If you're not sure how to add a hyperlink to your text, feel free to copy and paste the following:

Fitness Friday at Muddy Boots

Let the fun begin!

36-26-36, I am not

I was going to take my measurements last night, but chickened out got lazy the kids needed me. Even though I was fearful that it might be an awful way to start the weekend, I did it this morning.

- mid thigh (about where my fingers hit when my arms are to my sides): 21" -> 20.5" down half an inch
- upper thigh: 25" -> 24.5" down half an inch
- hips (widest part): 41.5" -> 40.5" down an inch
- waist (at bellybutton): 35" -> 34" down an inch
- ribs (right under bra): 31" -> 31" no change
- bicep: didn't measure last time -> 12"
- bust: as a nursing mother, there's no point measuring this

After approximately three weeks and 13 or 14 Shred sessions (I lost track), there's not much change. I actually thought there'd be a more significant loss of inches -especially in my hips- since I've noticed my clothes fitting better. I've even been able to button up one pair of pants that, ever since Andrew's birth, I'd been using a safety pin to hold closed.

The scale says that I'm down about 6.5 lbs... from 145lbs to 138.5lbs. My goal is either 125lbs or the ability to fit into the closet of clothes I already own, whichever comes first. Seeing as I'm only around 5' 4" (ahem, standing up super straight), I think that 125lbs is a realistic goal for me, although frankly I'm much more interested in how my clothes than what the scale says.

Total inches lost = 3", weight lost = 6.5lbs

fitness friday - week 2

Did you think I'd forgotten??

Actually, I almost did. Peter's been off all week... every. day. feels. like. Saturday. Several times each day, I find myself thinking about what I need to get ready for Sunday tomorrow. Except that it isn't Sunday tomorrow. He's off for another week, so I don't see this resolving itself until after the 13th. If ever.

I've also been meaning to apologize for not posting Fitness Friday last week. We switched internet and phone providers and, as is to be expected, the move did not go seamlessly. We were without both landline and internet for three days.

Three loooooong days.

So much for making this a regular occurrence on my blog, when I failed right out of the blocks on week two! But hopefully you'll all post links this week and the weeks to follow.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Again this week, I'll be focusing on the 30 Day Shred. In the intro to the DVD, Jillian recommends starting on level 1, then progressing to levels 2 and 3 when you feel strong enough. Even though I still can't do a full "man" pushup (Okay, maybe I can do one, but it's slow and shaky and painful... I know. So weak.), I was getting bored doing level 1 over and over. And over.

A fellow shredder over at thebabywearer suggested alternating levels, which sounded like a brilliant idea - if a bit scary since I hadn't done either of the other two levels yet. I took the idea one step further and even threw a day of rest into the mix. Cause I'm hardcore like that.

So my routine now looks like: 1, 2, 3, rest. 1, 2, 3, rest. Repeat. Repeat. REPEAT.

Impressive, no?

Although, unfortunately, my reality this week looked more like this: 1, 2, 3, rest. 1, rest. 2, rest. Rest.

Notice the extra "rest" days in there? It's been hard to be as dedicated with Peter home. It's great having him here, but the routine isn't the same. I'm going to try to refocus this next week and not miss any more days. I haven't done my measurements (but am planning to do them yet today), so maybe that will be the motivation I need to get back into it.

I'll be back with my measurements later tonight.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Now it's your turn.

If you have an exercise move, tip or advice you'd like to share, or even if you are simply documenting your progress, link up! Any post written this week is fair game. If you're doing something daily like the Shred or another exercise or running program, feel free to add a link for each post with a brief description in parenthesis.

Please make sure to link directly to your post, not your homepage, and please include a link back to Muddy Boots in your post so that others can, yes, read my blog, but also find the links that others are leaving to their blogs. If you're not sure how to add a hyperlink to your text, feel free to copy and paste the following:

Fitness Friday at Muddy Boots

Let the fun begin!

(unless you're doing the Shred... then it's "Let the PAIN begin!")

* * * * * * * * * * *

Added a link to my measurements posts... looks like I'm playing by myself this week. :(

fitness friday - week 1

As I mentioned in my post this last Tuesday, I don't want to bore you all with daily updates on my 30-Day Shred and therefore decided to relegate Shred posts to once a week. Then I thought it would be fun for others who are shredding to be able to link up with their own sobs, stories, and successes. But why limit it to just shredders? I know that other bloggers regularly post exercise/fitness related posts who might also like to participate.

And thus Fitness Fridays was born.

Hopefully some of you will humour me pity me play along and write a fitness-focused post or link to one that you've already written this week.

**********

I finished Day 3 of the Shred yesterday. It was SO. MUCH. EASIER. than day 1 was. Don't get me wrong, I was still hurting and still irritated at that one point where Jillian says, "Just a couple more!" then starts blabbing about something and infact makes you do like TEN more, but it was so much more bearable.

It might have helped that I took Wednesday off (other than walking around Superstore, BulkBarn, Super C, two Loblaws, and two Walmarts. I know. Ugh, right?). What started out as a grocery shopping-induced headache turned into me sitting on the couch all night eating ice cream. Chocolate cheesecake ice cream to be exact. Mmmmm, chocolate cheesecake. *wipes drool off chin*

Where was I? Right, the Shred and how I flaked out after only two days.

Initially, my biggest concern about the Shred was that it doesn't seem to allow for any days of rest which I've always read are important when exercising and especially when doing strength training. When I was going to the gym 4-6 days a week in Calgary, I would focus on legs one day then arms the next, thus giving each muscle group a chance to rest and build. While I'd like to do this with the Shred -or even two days on, one day off- the "45-day Shred" doesn't quite have the same ring to it, does it?

We'll see how I feel tomorrow and the next day. Day 1 was painful, day 2 was excruciating, then day 3 -after I was a big lame-o non-shredder a day of rest- left me feeling great and actually energized.

For those of you who are a few days ahead of me with the Shred, what was your experience? Did you find it got that much easier that quickly? How have you felt rest or taking a day off has played into your shredding experience, or have you not taken any time off at all?

Now it's your turn.

If you have an exercise move, tip or advice you'd like to share, or even if you are simply documenting your progress, link up! Any post written this week is fair game. If you're doing something daily like the Shred or Fit in 15, feel free to add a link for each post with a brief description in parenthesis. Please make sure to link directly to your post, not your homepage, and please include a link back to Muddy Boots in your post.

This is my first time using one of Mr Linky's Magic Widgets, so *fingers crossed*.

Also, I took my 'before' pictures today. Yikes. I'll post them at the end of the Shred if you all promise to ooh and ahh over the changes to my body, mkay?

**********

ETA: I posted my own Day 1 Shred post just to give you an idea how of how to format your links so that people will have any idea of what your post is about. Cause I'm neurotic and controlling like that.

E(again)TA: I'll leave Mr Linky up until Monday morning, then put a new one up next Friday. Please remember to link back to my blog in your Fitness Friday post. Thanks much.

ouch! and an idea

I am moving verrrry slowly today.

When I awoke this morning, I began a detailed assessment of the damage done by yesterday's inaugural Shred. Wiggled my finger, no pain. Wiggled my toes, so far so good.

But it all went down hill from there.

There is not a single part of my body that does not register pain when moved. My neck is stiff, my back is sore, my arms throb even sitting here at the table typing, my legs screamed in protest when I made them walk up three -THREE!- stairs from the back door. Jillian Michael's worked me over good.

Will I go back for more?? Absolutely! As much as it hurts right now, I know that's what it takes to change my body and get in shape. Yet as stoic as that sounds, I do reserve the right to whine and complain about it for as long as it hurts... so for the next 30 days at least!

However, I won't bore you with daily woe-is-me-and-my-aching-self posts. I've decided to limit such fitness-induced navel gazing to once each week. I'm thinking of adding a Mr. Linky so that others can easily share their Shred journeys with me us. I thought we could open it up to any sort of fitness post... maybe a "Sunday Shred" carnival or even "Fitness Friday". I like the idea of doing it on the weekend as a week-in-review type thing.

Any thoughts? Am I getting a bit too big for my britches thinking I could host a Mr. Linky carnival? Would it just be me, Tia, and Lou (Who WILL be continuing with the Shred! We made a deal, lady... I've got your address, remember?? I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.)? What about you, Anna? You could link up your Workout Wednesday posts?

Maybe I'll try it for a few weeks STARTING THIS FRIDAY and see how it goes. I know I'll feel pretty silly/sheepish/lame if no one participates so please play along. ANY fitness related post written ANY day this last week is eligible.

Now I'm off to figure out Mr Linky.

Which will take awhile seeing as I'm typing with my nose.

day 1 complete

Day 1 of the Shred is complete.

It was hard.

Immediately following, I came upstairs -stairs that were suddenly much longer than before- for a glass of water. I shakily poured water into a glass that my tired arms then had a hard time even lifting to my lips. I carried -the suddenly much heavier feeling- Andrew to the bathroom to run a shower, and when I was forced to do a semi-squat in the tub to grab the soap, my legs almost gave out all together.

That all being said, I still feel great.

My body feels LIKE MUSH, but my heart is proud and my head is excited about actually doing something to change how I look and feel about myself.

Unfortunately, I'm not one of those women whose self-esteem is not at all tied into their physical appearance. I would never go so far as to say that my confidence is wrapped up in how I look, but I don't like feeling awkward and embarrassed in my own skin. I'm sure that most people would say that I "look fine", or to that I "should give myself a break", or remind me that I "just had a baby". Yeah, almost six months ago!

I am in awe of women who can look at their stretched and scarred skin and lovingly see it all as a badge of honour. Marks of motherhood. While I do love what these stretch marks and extra skin have brought me, and I do strive to love myself for who and what I am, I also feel that fitness and health are important. And in my current state I don't feel fit and I don't feel healthy. I don't feel confident in how I look, and I don't feel at all attractive - and no amount of arguing on Peter's part has been able to change that.

I'm not striving for anything drastic. I simply want to be able to fit into the closet full of clothes that I currently own. I want to be able to use my own belts and not Peter's. I want to be able to take my kids swimming and actually enjoy myself and not spend the whole time feeling awful and uncomfortable.

In addition to doing the Shred, I'm going to start being more conscious about what I'm eating. We eat pretty healthily around here, but I know I can do better. I'm a serious chocolate junky. And I love ice cream. And cookies. And chips.

And I have ZERO self-control.

I can't just say I'll have one cookie or one bite of chocolate. If it's in the house, I'll eat it. If I make cookies, I eat half a dozen a day (cause I make goooood cookies). If we open a bag of chips, I'll eat them until they're gone.

Here's my battle plan:
- 30-Day Shred FOR 30 DAYS (I was going to do it a few days a week, but have decided it's got to be all or nothing. I can't give myself permission to take it easy or all totally slack off. I know this.)
- no eating after 8pm (this is going to be haaard, since Peter and I often have ice cream at night for a snack)
- fill the house with healthy snacks: soaked/roasted nuts, soaked granola w/ nuts and seeds, dried (unsulphered) fruit, fresh veggies w/ hummus, pitas w/ lactofermented salsa, baked kale (which I'm munching on right now)
- try to go for walks as a family several nights a week, especially once Liam is finished school for the summer and doesn't have such a rigid bedtime
- drink less juice (a big one for me as I could easily drink 2L of OJ every day. I lovez it.)

I know that I promised mentioned the possibility of pictures, but I don't think I can do it. Not yet. Maybe in a few months when I have an "After" shot to compare it to, but not now. I'm not brave enough.

But I will post my equally embarrassing measurements:
- mid thigh (about where my fingers hit when my arms are to my sides): 21"
- upper thigh: 25"
- hips (widest part): 41.5"
- waist (at bellybutton): 35"
- ribs (right under bra): 31"
- bicep: will get back to you when I can actually raise my arms to measure
- bust: as a nursing mother, there's no point measuring this

A few things to note for those of you thinking about this excersice DVD:
- Follow Anita. Those who already Shread, already know what I mean. Those who don't will find out within about 30 seconds.
- Do any neccessary house work BEFORE working out. This includes anything that might require you to sit, stand, walk, bend or breathe.
- Invest in a quality sports bra. Given the choice between the two sad, sad sports bras I was able to dig out from the bottom of my underwear drawer, I opted to wear BOTH. The were no match for having nursed three babies, gravity and/or jumping jacks.

P.S. I'll still eat chocolate, but it'll be the 80%+ cocoa kind. Donations accepted.

tomorrow's the day

I have fancy new shoes, a copy of the 30 Day Shred DVD, 20 lbs to lose plenty of motivation, and several willing participants. It's not even 9:30pm, but I'm heading to bed early so I can get up before the boys and turn myself over to Jillian Michaels for some butt re-shaping kicking. Who's with me??

(It's just now dawned on me that I've neglected a very important part of my workout attire. That being a sports bra. The ones in my drawer were purchased four pregnancies ago and I have serious doubts in their likely level of support. But I won't let that stop me. Sorry girls.)

(My apologies to anyone who read this post before I correct all the weird typos and awkward sentence. Oops.)

shred share

Since my Blogoversary winner, Loukia, chose the 30-Day Shred as her prize, I plan on at least trying doing (I'm going to do it! Really!) the Shred along with her.

I know I'm a bit late to jump on this bandwagon as there has previously been quite a buzz around the blogosphere about this workout DVD by Jillian Michaels. Even though I'm a lemming lagging behind, I hope to find a few others to join me us on this workout nightmare adventure. I'll be blogging about it either way, but it would be fun to have some friends/accomplices/accountability.

I propose that any interested parties leave a comment here -a letter of intent, so to speak- so I can see if there's any interest. I know there a thread going on over at TBW, but I thought it would be fun to blog about it too. I know that Shannon/A Crafty Mom and Jen have it, and my sister-in-law Sara and her friend Kristin said they both wanted to do it (they can represent the West Coast sistahs). Was it Annie or Rebecca who said they were thinking about it?

Cmon, it'll be fun!

(Actually, from what I've heard it'll be far from "fun", but at least we'll be able to not have fun together.)

Oh, and there will be pictures.

(unless I chicken out)

Who's in? If anyone else is interested in shredding along with Lou and me, we can wait until next week to start, say the 15th?