he would be five

Another year has passed.

Another year with a hole in our family right between Liam and Simon. This hole is imperceptible to most -even those who know it exists- but, to me, it's gaping. This hole should contain a little boy whose birthday we would be celebrating today. A likely loud and crazy five year old to add to the already loud and crazy chaos that reigns here most days.

It's a Nathaniel-shaped hole.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Because Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is October 15th each year, and the anniversary of Nathaniel's birth and death is October 19th, the middle of this month is always rather... emotionally charged. Even if I wanted to "forget" this day was coming, it would be impossible.

Not that I want to forget. THAT would be impossible.

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

Five years later, I can say that the sting of Nathaniel's death has gone out of my memories of him (hazy, dream-like images seen through the heavy fog of exhaustion and powerful anaesthetic drugs). The searing intensity of grief and loss has ebbed. The rawness is gone. The pain is still there, but it's more of an ache. A dull roar rather than a piercing scream that tears through my heart without any warning. A throbbing that lies below the surface, always present, but now covered over by the experiences and life lived over the last five years... including the addition of two life-filled little boys and the anticipation of the newest member of our family. 

But it is hard not to wonder what our life would be like with him still in it... what HE would be like.

An almost-black-haired little boy with eyes that would have likely turned some shade of brown, like Andrews. I'm sure that, like Liam and Simon, he'd love all things Lego and Star Wars and Clone Wars and Bionicles, and would gravitate towards heros like Indiana Jones and Iron Man and knights and soldiers and super heros. I know he would laugh at America's Funniest Home Videos and Garfield comics and Wipeout along with his brothers.

I wonder if he'd sit quietly and spellbound during our readings of The Hobbit or The Chronicles of Narnia like his older brother, Liam, or if he'd squirm in his bed like his two younger brothers. I wonder if he'd prefer soccer or hockey. If he'd have allergies like Simon and Andrew, or be able to eat anything like Liam. If he'd be reading on his own yet, or riding a bike without training wheels. I wonder what his personality would be like. What would be his strengths and weaknesses? What kind of brother would he be? What kind of son?

I do know that he would be loved.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Somewhere today, that sweet boy who I will have to wait my lifetime to know is celebrating his fifth birthday with his cousin, Lachlan, and with his grandpa, my dad. He is perfect and whole and healthy and happy. He is being toasted by angels and sung to by family and friends who have passed before. He is surrounded by love and light and the glory of God. 

And he is loved.

* * * * * * * * * * * * 

For those of you who are new(ish) to this blog, here is the video we played at Nathaniel's service. For those who've been reading for awhile, no obligation to watch it again. I know it's not a "fun" thing to watch. It is, however, almost all we have. The little box of mementos from the hospital -his bracelets, copies of his hand and foot prints, the comb we used to brush his hair, the tiny preemie sleeper we dressed him in- all those things are thousands of miles away in a storage facility in Ottawa. And his little grave is next to his cousin's in Regina.

And so we watch his video and experience again the wonder of his birth, the pain of his loss, and the love we will always feel for our sweet boy, Nathaniel Achaziah Bundy.      

such an original video... watch it. you won't be disappointed.

I just saw this video over at Apartment Therapy. It's so much fun. Who could not enjoy watching and listening to this??

The only thing more fun would be if I'd taken a video of Simon and Andrew watching this video... hopping and bopping and clapping along. Too cute.

(And then inevitably slapping eachother afterwards. *sigh* )

you're a mom

I did have a proper Mother's Day post planned (in my head), but the day ran away from me. I was spoiled, treated like a queen by my king and little princes, and loved on all day long. I will write more another day, but for tonight I'll leave you with this song I heard on the radio the other day. The verses are great, the last on especially.

Happy Earth Day from us and the Lorax!

This has to be my favourite Dr Seuss story. My boys also love it. I'm sure my poor mom has lost count of the times she's read this particular Seuss to her grandsons.

Enjoy! And Happy Earth Day!

mummy is a boy? mummy is a squirrel??

remembering

Today is Rememberance Day here in Canada. Even though we live in the nation's capital, we didn't make it down to the hill for any of the ceremonies. Simon and Andrew both seem to be coming down with something and taking them out into crowds seemed like a terrible idea didn't seem like the best idea. However I didn't want to let the day go by unmentioned.

My grandfather fought in both WW1 and WWII (Yes, I said "grandfather and, yes, there is a story there.) My uncles fought in the Vietnam War (I think? Yeah, that was the one.). My dad tried to enlist, but was turned away for medical reasons. Many of his friends didn't come home. Peter's older brother was a US Marine for four and a half years, and his younger brother is currently deployed with the US Navy (we miss you David!).

We also have friends back in Calgary who are refugees from Sudan. These friends of ours, now grown men, were once part of the Lost Boys of Sudan. As young boys (between the ages of 4-10), they fled from their homes in central South Sudan when their villages were systematically attacked by the northern militias. These young boys survived the attacks because they were away from the villages tending to the cattle and were thus able to escape. Slowly they found each other and started the months long trek through the wilderness and deserts of Sudan until they reached Ethiopian refugee camps. After war broke out in Ethiopia, they were chased back into Sudan and began walking, again, hundreds of miles to another refugee camp in Kenya. All told, they walked some 1,000 miles (MILES!) before reaching their final destination. Over 27,000 boys arrived in Ethiopia, yet by the time they reached Kenya their numbers had been reduced to 10,000. Many died along the way due to thirst, starvation, attacks by wild animals, insects, disease, or having been forced into service as child soldiers in one of the most bloody wars of the 20th century. According to Wikipedia, experts say they are the most badly war-traumatized children ever examined.

The story of the Lost Boys has touched me on many levels. We know some of these Lost Boys personally. I've heard their stories, seen the bond they share from growing up together in the camps, and witness their passion to find their families and help rebuild their country. I've also seen the very real scars they bear with my own eyes.

After being introduced to some of the Lost Boys in Calgary during the summer of 2007, I began to research and read first-hand accounts including What is the What, They Poured Fire on Us From the Sky: The Story of Three Lost Boys from Sudan, and God Grew Tired of Us. I remember reading They Poured Fire on Us From the Sky late one night in Regina, not able to put it down. It's an amazingly moving book, but reading it is a lot like watching a train wreck. It's horrible, but you can't look away.

As I read the stories of what these young, young boys went through, I thought of my own sleeping almost-five-year-old and felt my heart break into hundreds of pieces as I imagine him, my baby, enduring what those boys lived through. Yet they were all someone's baby, too. It also hit me that these Lost Boys, now in their late twenties and early thirties, were the same age as me.

While I was living a happy, healthy, protected and privileged childhood in this great country of Canada, this war was happening. This war that killed and displaced countless MILLIONS. This war that saw tens of thousands of young boys separated from their families, orphaned, killed, or forced to kill as child soldiers.

We are so lucky.

So today I think of my grandfather, my uncles, my brother-in-laws and all of the other brave men and women who fought and served -and who fight and serve- to make our country as great as it is today. And I think of the billions of people who were not so lucky as to be born on this continent, in this country.

We. Are. So. Lucky.

(This is a video I put together after Peter's trip to South Sudan in November 2007. He went with a group of men from Okotoks and Calgary to install water filtration systems in one of the areas that was hardest hit in the civil war that lasted from 1983-2005.)

the Force is strong with these two

Remember when I mentioned that I'd taken loads of pictures of the boys playing with their lightsabers?

This is so, SO, typical of my boys' play. They play together more and more often now that Simon is growing in age and Liam is growing in patience. There are still almost always some tears, but for the most part there are also plenty of smiles, laughter and silliness.

And ninja poses. Always the ninja poses.

I hope that they remember afternoons like this one we spent in our backyard one lovely Saturday in October. And if they don't remember, I'm glad we'll have this video to laugh at.

the one where they decide it's time to put up the baby gates

He wasn't doing this even three days ago! He's just 6 1/2 months. Oy vay.

even when days are long, time flies

I meant to post this yesterday, but life got in the way.

Yesterday marked six months since my dad's death. It still seems impossible that he's gone, but at the same time it feels like years since I saw his face, heard his voice, or felt one of his strong hugs.

I miss you, dad.

other siblings fight too, right?

There were other happily-playing-together shots, but this series showcases another (unfortunately) typical occurrence around here. Luckily Simon recovered as quickly as Liam lost interest in the soccer ball in favor of hamming it up for the camera. Silly faces, but no jazz hands.

They do love each other. Really.


Hosted by Cecily and MamaGeek

P.S. Like Liam's socks and loafers look? Don't judge me... judge Peter. I was gone that morning and he dressed them.

P.P.S. My yard won't look so ghetto once it greens up. Really.

not wanting to buck a trend and do something on time

This is a day late, but I wanted to post this little video in honour of Star Wars Day which was yesterday. This honourable day was inspired by the pun, "May the 4th be with you." (Cmon, it is too funny.) Celebratory tweets made it at top trend yesterday on Twitter and there's even a wikipedia page about it.

Had I known about it before last night been more prepared, I would've done it up right for Liam and Simon. However seeing as his birthday party - a full on Lego Clone Wars (not just Clone Wars, but LEGO Clone Wars) party is in 2 1/2 weeks, I didn't think I could handle TWO days in one short month dedicated to Star Wars.

But I did want to do something to mark this auspicious occasion. I've been meaning to post this video for a few weeks, ever since seeing it at our friends house while over for supper. The video is funny, but even funnier is watching Liam giggle through THE ENTIRE THING. Hopefully you -and any young Jedi in your house- will enjoy it too.

Simon: month 29

A lot of cute this month, like this:

And this:And this:(Here, you were waiting for Liam's school bus at 3:30pm. Yes, you were still
wearing pajamas. What you can't see is that you're wearing NOTHING on the
bottom. Thankfully the screen in our door doesn't go down that low.)

There was also a lot of crazy.

Like when I found you playing with a bottle of white Elmer's glue that Liam had left out. While I admit that some of the trouble you get into is the result of my leaving you to your own devises for too long, THIS was not my fault. Liam and you were playing downstairs and Liam decided to make "something special" for his teacher. How sweet. Apparently this "something special" involved glue. Glue that he didn't ask to use. Glue that I didn't even know he knew where to find. Glue that HE DID NOT PUT AWAY.

Those are 100% cashmere pants. Covered in glue. As are your face and hands.

This, however, I sat and watched you do. You were sitting across from me while I answered some emails and were concentrating so hard and putting so much careful effort into your coloring. I didn't have the heart to stop you.
Although I did contemplate yelling, "BOO!" just to watch you jump out of your skin.

It occurred to me recently that we don't have much video of you speaking. Since the Nikon D40 came to live with us, I've not had much time for my old Canon point and shoot camera. And even though your voice was a bit scratchy this day, I'm glad I dug the P&S out to capture this (I might go back and add in subtitles for those who don't speak "Simon":



Your dad is looking forwards to the day when you'll go get tattoos together!

Now that warmer weather is finally here, Simon, you're LOVING being outside. You'd do well to have a mother who loved being out of doors all year round. But you got me. I'm not much for snow or winter sports or being cold. Spring and I get a long charmingly though, and summer and I are like *this* (crossing fingers). I'm looking forward to you being my little helper in the garden this year.

I love this picture!

I'm hoping that by next month I'll be able to report that we've been able to say goodbye to your diapers. I really thought that you'd be a tough one to teach to use the potty, but you've surprised me. We have more successes than accidents and stickers have proved to be strong motivation.

We've used the same method with you as we did with Liam. The naked-from-the-waist-down-with-a-potty-always-at-arms-reach method. The biggest problem is that you seem to be unable to leave your little unit alone, flapping free. Not even to play with toys. I don't know if it's just a strange sensation or if you're suddenly much more conscious of that part of your anatomy, but while diaper-free you WILL NOT LEAVE IT ALONE. You constantly have one hand, not only on your little johnson, but wrapped around it in a vice-like grip.

At one point, you'd climbed the books shelf in the living room (don't ask) with one hand (not sure how), and couldn't get down unless you held onto the shelf with two hands while you stepped back and down. So you stood there precariously, screaming for help. When I refused to help unless you let go of your penis, you finally released your iron grasp and found that, with the use of both hands you could easily get down on your own.

I don't want you to develop a complex or an unhealthy view of your body, but I find myself wanting to grab you by the shoulders and yell, "Let go of your penis! Just quit touching it!" Hopefully we'll pass this stage quickly and move on to underwear. It's clear that you'll be a "tighty whitey" kinda guy as boxers just won't offer the needed security for your little Bundy.

(Hopefully you'll forgive me for writing about this online and won't be reading off a printer copy to your therapist someday as proof of your awful, exploited childhood.)

Love, Mum

P.S. I'm a bit terrified what kind of ads I'll get now having used the word "penis" twice three times. So I'm going to throw out a few words that actually reflect me and my interests: photography, Nikon, whole foods, eco, green, cloth diapers, babywearing, parenting. Think it'll help??

happy earth day!

This commercial always puts a smile on my face. I love it.

Happy Birthday, Papa!

Happy Birthday to a wonderful father/father-in-law/grandpa. We sure wish we lived close enough to celebrate with you.

Or were at least in close to the same time zone so I wouldn't have to do math just to figure out a good time to call... only to realize that it's the middle of the night for you guys.

Enjoy the little slideshow of some of the pictures I have on our computer.

We love you and miss you!

Liam: month 70

Before:

After:

You got a little hair cut this month, Liam.

Looking back through pictures from 2007, it seems we did the same thing around this same time last year (however that time, I was forced to cut off almost 12" of lovely, golden curls... through tears). You were excited to go to school after this recent buzz and, when you got off the bus, proudly announced that you felt like a dog or a cat with all the kids rubbing your head.

I was so proud.

This month, you've started staying at school for lunch a few days each week. It's not out of necessity. I'm always here. But you really, reeeeally wanted to try staying for lunch.

This was something that I struggled with initially and, even though it is nice to have my schedule freed up some days, I miss you when you're gone all day. I feel somewhat guilty that my five year old is gone for 6 1/2 hours.

Ugh, writing it down makes it sound even worse.

(I felt even more guilty when I realized that the granola bars I'd been sending in your lunch had HFCS (high fructose corn syrup) in them. How'd that stuff even get into Canada?!)

However I have to remember that when school started, it took a full month before I could even leave the school grounds before the bell rang (see here and here). You've come a long way. You enjoy school (once we get past the whining about having to leave your Lego behind each day), your school mates clearly adore you, and your french has improved dramatically as of late.

Speaking of Lego, one of your favorite past-times is to watch Lego videos on YouTube. Commercials, product reviews, stop-action films, the building of Star Wars Lego sets in fast forward. For several weeks now, you've been bugging me asking to do a review of your own. We haven't uploaded it to YouTube yet, but here, without further ado, is your first ever Lego review for YouTube.




As we watched it back for the first time, I kept my eye on you more than the computer screen. The grin on your face and twinkle in your eyes was more than compensation for having to find the camera, realize that batteries were dead, hunt for new batteries, replace said dead batteries, play camera man (not terribly well either, but hey, it was my first time too!), download the video and wait 45 minutes for upload the video to upload to Vimeo.

I might even be persuaded to do it again.

too funny not to post

I saw this just now over at dooce and, because I'm far too tired to come up with anything original to post, I'm just going to let you all enjoy this little video.



The end totally made me laugh out loud. I wasn't expecting it.

a tribute to my dad

I finally got around to redoing the video from my dad's service. I'm still not 100% happy with it... the date at the beginning isn't readable and the second song leaves something to be desired. Besides the fact that Heather and Lynette stopped just short of laughing AT THEIR FATHER'S FUNERAL, it's a bit too country for me. But with the deadline I had to finish this, and the fact that I was up past 2am the night before his service to get this done, my options were few. Even though I've had over two months to think about it, I haven't found anything that fits the specific amount of time I have without cutting out at an awkward spot.

So if you know of a song choice that expressed a father's love for his daughters and can be condensed into 1:44:33, let me know. Also, if you know of a site that can host this video in larger-than-thumbnail size (other than YouTube cause it takes issue with me using copywrited songs... pfffft) pass it on.

green smoothie day three

I should've taken a picture of our smoothie this morning! It was kryptonite green! Here's what was in it:

- two huge handfuls of spinach (it filled half the blender lightly packed)
- 1 1/2 apples
- 1 banana
- approx. 1/2 c apple juice
- approx. 2 1/2 c green grapes

Liam loved how green it was (I served it in a bright green cup too). When I told him it had spinach in it, he asked if that's why it tasted so great. Yes, Liam. Yes, it is.

Simon, on the other hand, refuses to try them. He had one little sip day 1 and now runs away yelling, "NO DA DOO!" (No thank you!) when he sees me coming towards him. I'm so disappointed since he's the one who really needs some more veggies in his diet. Day 2, I was able to sneak some into his parfait instead of using all soy yogurt and he didn't seem to notice.

I think I'd have better luck if it was in popscicle form, but we seemed to have lost our forms in the move (only have the sticks). I'd really love to find some non-plastic popscicle moulds, but I'm not sure that exists. Failing that I'd take regular ones, but we've searched EVERYWHERE here with no success... Walmart, Zellers, Canadian Tire, four different grocery stores, even two second hand shops! Nothing! So if you see any while you're out and about, think of us! Think of poor veggie hating Simon and his love of popscicles!

I'll take pics tomorrow. Promise.

Oh and here's (hopefully) the Green Smoothie video I promise a couple days ago:



Woo hoo! I did it!