Tuesday, February 17, 2009

in this world you will have sorrow

This post has been building in me for a few weeks now. Usually I think about it while I'm driving which isn't really condusive to getting my thoughts down "on paper".

I'm still struggling with many aspects of my dad's death. I hardly even know where to start! I think that death in general makes people question their own life and faith and beliefs, even moreso when it's an unexpected death. My dad's death is really making me re-evaluate my faith, even more than after Nathaniel's death when my emotions were just way too raw to do anything other than get through the day.

I really don't think this is a bad thing. Introspection is good. I'm hoping that by putting some of it down and getting it out it will speed up the process. We'll see.

I find myself really struggling with doubt lately. I'm not sure if it's doubt in the existance of God, or doubt in His love (for me in particular) or perhaps a combination. Either God doesn't exist, or He does BUT DIDN'T DO ANYTHING. See, if God exists and is omnipotent, then He's the only one who could've healed my dad (or at least let them discover what was going on soon enough that I could be there to say goodbye). And I do -I think- believe that God exists.

So why didn't He heal dad?

Was it because of a lack of faith? My dad believed right til his very last few hours that he would be fine. Even once he accepted what was to come, he was steadfast in his belief that God continued to be true to His promises, and that He had not and would not abandon him. My dad was faithful til the end.

Was it us, his family and friends, who lacked faith? Didn't we pray often enough or hard enough? I know that we certainly didn't pray that his small intestine wouldn't die and poison him! How could we when we didn't know that was going on? No one knew. So how can we be held accountable for those omissions in prayer??

Was there some lesson we needed to learn out of his death? If so, I'm really tired of learning lessons through suffering. I think I've suffered enough... maybe I'm just really thick skulled.

I know that my dad believed (and was even working on a book about) how there is nothing that we can add or subtract from God. He is 100% perfect and able to do all and everything that needs to be done. But here's where I start to stumble.

The Bible says not to worry about tomorrow, that God will provide and care for us, that God loves us, that He is our loving Heavenly Father who wants to bless us, etc, etc. Now that I'm a parent, I know what it is to love your child. I know what it's like to sit helplessly by and NOT BE ABLE to take away your child's hurt. I know that in those instances, I'd do ANYTHING IN MY POWER to comfort and care for them.

Well if God exists, then there's nothing that's NOT in His power to do! So why doesn't HE DO IT??

Clearly, God can not keep every Christian from dying or keep anything bad from happening to any of them. I know that the Bible also says that in this world WE WILL have sorrow. It's not even so much the FACT of my dad's death that troubles me, it's so many of the details. From all the surgeries and daily struggles of this past year, to his last few months being mostly out of it in the hospital not even able to make the most of that time with his family and his grandsons, to the end coming so quickly -in a matter of hours!- that I wasn't able to be with him.

I'm trying not to let this be all about me, but I really can't get passed this bit. Why couldn't they have found out what was going on sooner? Even the day before?? In that time I could've been on a plane and by his side. Even if the final outcome and all the other timing had been exactly the same... to be with him would've made all the difference for me.

This one detail, this one thing, should've been SO EASY for God to arrange... if God exists.

I feel like I'm talking myself in circles. Likely this is why it's taken me this long to try to write it all down. I don't feel like I'm making any sense.

I guess I'm just hurting still.

I miss my dad.

So when I hear people talk about others who have been healed or recovered from life-threathening illnesses, or even just people praising God for his goodness, if find myself either rolling my eyes or fighting back tears.

And I'm not really sure where to go from here.

I do know I'll get passed it. I'll survive. I've done it before.

I'm pretty sure that this post lack flow and a clear direction, but I'm not going to bother editting it. Sorry internets.

1 comment:

  1. My heart breaks to read your pain. All thoughts I understand as I remember thinking them as well. All questions will be answered one day I guess. That's what I keep trying to tell myself anyway. It took a very very long time to get over the anger and frustration and the what ifs. There are days and times I still go back...with the birth of Denaya, I am reminded again of his absence and another grandchild with no grandpa. I pray for your strength through these most difficult stages of grieving. Love you,


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