Monday, December 15, 2008

more of the same...

Grief and raging hormones are never a good combination.

You know that song by Sting... All Four Seasons? (click to hear it) Well it doesn't quite do my mood swings justice. Maybe "mood swings" isn't quite the right phrase, but I sure feel like I bounce around a lot. I go from being stressed out about this baby and everything we still have to do, to being excited, to crying cause this is the first grandbaby whose birth my dad won't attend, to being in total disbelief again that he's gone... all within the span of 2-3 seconds.

The grief over losing my dad isn't quite as intense as when Nathaniel died. It's different. For over half the time we knew about Nathaniel, we knew that he wouldn't be with us long. But my dad has been a constant for me for my entire life. Life without him in it doesn't seem possible. There had never before been a day where he wasn't available to me. It's so strange now.

It's a completely new reality.

Even though I often thought over the last few months that he would be better off if he weren't living in that reduced state, I don't think I even once really thought about what that would mean. What it would mean to never see him again, never hug him, talk to him, hear his voice. Sometimes I find myself calling the house when I know everyone is gone - just to hear his voice on the answering machine. Although it makes me feel a bit like a stalker, it's so, so good to hear his voice on the other end of the line. I've thought about asking Liam if he'd like to listen, but haven't decided yet if that's a good idea.

Many of you have asked how Liam is doing these days. He still cries at night sometimes and has been having more night terrors recently. He prayed at diner last night and there was a noticeable pause where he would normally have asked that grandpa get better (so he could be here for Christmas). He'd been so used to praying for grandpa that I could tell it threw him for a bit of a loop to not be able to.

Simon, for the most part, is blissfully clueless. He insists on calling any older, slightly greying man with a mustash "Gampa". Most recently it was the shuttle driver who drove us home from dropping our car off (to have the winter tires put on). He rambled on and on to "gampa" all he way home and seemed a bit confused when he left and drove away instead of coming in with us.

I guess we're all dealing with missing grandpa in our own ways. Although this is a journey I knew would come sooner or later, I just didn't think I'd be starting on it so soon, and so close to the arrival of this new one.

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