A year ago tonight, I was lying in bed curled up around my eight month pregnant belly, with the phone clutched to my chest, waiting for it to ring with the news that he was gone.
A year ago tonight, I was crying hot, angry tears as I tried to understand how the doctors could go from planning my dad's long term care one day, to telling us he wouldn't live through the night the next.
A year ago tonight, I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that I would be fatherless by morning.
A year ago tonight, I was second guessing our decision not to wake Liam and Simon to talk to their grandpa and say one last goodbye.
A year ago tonight, I felt so far away I might as well have been on the moon. The distance -the space between me and my dad- felt like a crushing weight. I have never felt such an intense longing to BE SOMEWHERE ELSE. With my dad.
A year ago tonight, I had to accept a "new normal". One in which my dad was forever absent. One in which I would never again be able to call him up at any hour of the day to tell him a story about the boys, ask his advice, check up on his work projects, or receive whatever recipe/tip/challenge/encouragement/laugh/love I needed.
A year ago tonight, my dad died. I lost my father and my friend.
I miss you, dad.